3rd Floor Ladies Lingerie
by liz1967
Summary: What happend when Bond goes shopping with M for ladies tights.
1. Chapter 1

** Just a little one shot. I just couldn't help it. Got this idea while folding laundry.**

3rd Floor Ladies Lingerie

It was late in the day as M was finishing up the mountain of paperwork that had been occupying her desk when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in" she said not looking up from the last page of the truly butt numbingly boring report she was reading

"Ma'am"

'Oh, Bond.. what are you still doing here" she asked "I thought we finished your debriefing hours ago?"

"Yes we did but it seems that your body guard has taken ill and since I was still in the building I volunteered to escort you home" he replied

"That's very kind of you but I think I can manage to get from here the there by myself" was her answer

"Though I am quite certain you could it is procedure that you have an escort." he replied with a smile "Sorry I don't make the rules, which you are so keen on following I might add" he said with a slight laugh

"Oh alright...Just give me a few minutes"

James waited patiently for her to finish her paperwork and get her coat

"Shall we" she said motioning toward the door

"After you"

The ride down to the car was uneventful as neither had much to say

"I thought we would take my car if you don't mind" he said 'It saves me the trouble of returning later to retrieve it"

"Fine...by the way I need to stop at Harrods" she said as she climbed into the passenger seat

"Why if I may ask?"

"Well if you must know I need to buy a pair of tights and they happen to carry the brand I prefer" she replied sounding a bit annoyed at the question

"As you wish"

They entered the store and headed straight to the lift

"So where exactly are these tights located?" he asked

"On the 3rd floor of course" she answered "Ladies lingerie"  
"Oh" this could be sort of fun he thought

When they stepped off the lift Bond's eyes grew wide with amazement as he began to look around the room. Never in his life had he seen so many pairs of women's knickers. M headed straight for the rack of tights while Bond kept staring almost in disbelief. As she was thumbing through the rack Bond picked up a package handing them to her

"Here you are one package of ladies tights" he said almost proud of himself

She took one look and handed the package back to him.

"Those are the wrong ones" she said as she continued looking

"What do you mean...tights are tights aren't they?" he asked sounding a bit confused

"No these require a garter belt" she said looking up at him

"What is a garter belt?" he asked knowing full well what it was he just couldn't help wanting to hear her explanation.

"Well it's a rather medieval contraption designed by men to hold up women's tights. I haven't worn one in years and I don't intend to start now" she said

He wondered around while she continued looking and came across row after row of knickers.

"Why are there so many different styles" he asked sounding rather puzzled

"Different knickers for different occasions" was the response he heard as M came to stand next to him.

He held up a rather fancy pair made of satin

"For instance what about these?" he asked

"Those are for if you don't want lines to show through your trousers" she answered as a smile started to form

"And these" he said holding up a pair made of lace

"Those would be for if one wanted to look sexy" she said trying her best to conceal a laugh

Then he held up a pair of cotton briefs

"And these?"

"Those are for comfort" she said turning away as she could no longer contain herself

When she had managed to compose herself she turned back around to see him holding a thong

"And this?" he said with a total look of bewilderment on his face "What's this for?"

"To be honest I'm not really sure what that's for. I never could understand why anyone would want to have the equivalent of dental floss between their arse cheeks" she said with a laugh.

"Just how many types of knickers are there?" he asked

Never in a million years could she have imagined having this conversation with James Bond

"Well let's see" she started "There's ones for being practical and comfortable, ones for being sexy, ones that hold you in and make you look thinner and some that serve no practical purpose whatsoever"

"I never knew" he said shaking his head

"Contrary to popular belief Bond what you discard in a matter of seconds actually takes a lot of careful planning" she said sarcastically

"And what are those?" he said pointing across the aisle

"Those my dear man are bras and that is an entirely different matter all together" she said sounding rather amused

"Are there as many choices with those as well" he asked

"Of course. Some are designed to push your breasts up where God never intended them to be, some strap them down so they couldn't move even during an earthquake. some are designed to make you look larger and some are designed to make you look smaller"

When she had finished Bond just shook his head

"I never knew choosing women's undergarments could be so complicated. Men really only have 2 choices. Boxers or Briefs"

"If you think this is complicated you should see what happens when we have to pick out shoes!"


	2. Chapter 2Shoes, shoes and more shoes

**For RefreshinglyOriginal. I hope it was worth the wait. I couldn't resist the Wizard of Oz reference as i have a huge collection. Hope you enjoy.**

Shoes, Shoes and more shoes

Bond arrived at M's flat shortly after 7:00pm. He was just back from a mission and as M had already left unusually early for the day she wasn't available to debrief him, so he decided to save her the trouble of calling him in the morning and just drop by her flat. This unusual little habit of breaking into her flat generally annoyed the hell out of M but it amused Bond to no end and after his last assignment he felt he could use a little amusement to lighten his mood.

When Bond arrived he quickly disarmed the alarm system. He still couldn't understand why she kept changing the code as soon as he left as it was always easy to figure out. As soon as he entered he heard the shower so he went straight to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink and proceeded to wait. He had only waited a few moments after the shower stopped before he got up and dialed M's private phone number. He walked slowly up the stairs as he listened to the phone ring

"Bond. You're back and in one piece I assume?' she said as she walked out of the bathroom

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am and thank you for asking" he said as he stood in the doorway of her bedroom.

M , hair still wet from her shower quickly turned around and glared at him

"What the hell are you doing here?" she said not amused by his presence" I thought I told you never to break into my flat!"

"I believe you said I should try calling first to be exact" he replied giving her a devilish grin.

"I meant before you come not after you're already here" she said clearly irritated

"Do you mind?" she said as she pulled her dressing gown closer around her "I need to get dressed of I'll be late"

"Hot date?" he asked as he leaned against the door

"No, quite the opposite, not that it's any of your business" she said reaching for her dress that was hanging on the door beside him.

"I see" he said "Need any help getting ready?" he asked winking at her

She thought for a moment "As a matter of fact, since you are here would you be so kind as to get me my back shoes from the top shelf in the wardrobe while I finish dressing? As long as you're here you might as well make yourself useful" then she disappeared back into the bathroom.

"With pleasure ma'am" he said placing his drink on the chest of drawers and walking over the wardrobe.

Dumbfounded and mystified was the best way to describe his reaction as he opened the wardrobe doors. It was completely full of shoe boxes from top t bottom and that didn't include the ones hanging on the rack on the inside of the door. Since she didn't specify which box these black shoes might be in he just started pulling them off the shelves one by one. There were boxes marked Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Christian Louboutin, Carvela and these were just the black ones.

"Good God" he said as he kept finding more boxes.

M returned from the bathroom completely dressed only to find a very bewildered Bond standing in the middle of a pile of open shoe boxes.

"Bond!" she said trying to suppress a laugh "I only needed a pair of shoes I wasn't intending to have a clear out this evening"

"Just exactly how many pairs of shoes does one woman need" he said as he stuck his head back in the wardrobe.

"Well let's see" she said as she sat on the edge of the bed. "There are four seasons so that's four pair right off, then there are shoes for formal occasions, shoes for casual occasions, shoes for inclement weather, shoes for special occaions, of course shoes for work and some just because the happen to be in style or the go with a specific outfit. Then of course there are specialty shoes such as trainers..." Bond quickly interrupted

"But these are still in the boxes?"

"Of course they are still in their boxes it makes them easier to store" she explained

"But some of these don't even look like they've ever been worn. Take these for example" he said holding up a pair of rather high silver heels with a long strap "What about these?"

"Those proved to be much too complicated. You have to wrap the strap around you ankle thus cutting off the circulation to your foot" she said somewhat matter of fact

"And these?" he said holding up a pair of red platform heels about 4 inches tall

"Those were impossible to walk in but they went well with the outfit" she replied as a smile started to form across her lips. It was amusing to her to see Bond so out of his element.

"And these?" he said holding up yet another pair

"Those pinched my feet making them unbearable" she said "And before you ask those were too big"

It was then that his head disappeared back into the wardrobe

"What on earth are you looking for now?"she asked barley unable to contain a laugh

"The Ruby Slippers" he said looking completely serious "I figure they have to be in here somewhere seeing as how this is where every other known pair of shoes seems to be located"

"Bond!" she said after regaining her composure. "Please just hand me the box marked Carvela, and do stop exploring my wardrobe as though it were King Tut's tomb, I'm going to be late"

"Oh sorry" he said looking around at all of the shoe boxes now strewn around him. " I forgot. Hot date"

"No, actually it is a rather boring fundraiser. Now be a good agent and zip me up" she said as she slipped on the ever elusive pair of black heels.

"I never realized that being a woman is so complicated" he said shaking his head as he followed her down the stairs to the sitting room.

"Like I told you before It takes a lot of careful planning to be a woman" she said with a smile


End file.
